Changes

It breaks my heart to tell you all that my parents and I have decided to sell Limerick. Some of you might have guessed as much after my last post, though I only hinted at my unhappiness and did not directly state our plans. Since the beginning, we have had our ups and downs, all things that I could work through and move past. I do not want riding to be easy, I want it to be challenging and I want to work hard. I have given Limerick my all in the past year... blood, sweat, tears, time that I didn't always have, and a great deal of care. Even in my most hellish school weeks, through ice, snow, and hail, I rode, always looking to improve and to be really ready once the time came to compete.

I still don't understand why, and I probably never will, but he and I just don't mesh well once we leave home. He becomes very nervous, inconsolable, and incredibly green. When we couldn't even walk down to the dressage rings without a major meltdown, I started to question our partnership. I knew that I would never be able to give him the confidence he needs during his greener moments, nor would I be able to muscle him around cross-country when he wasn't feeling it. I want a horse who can take care of me when I need to be taken care of, who I can trust to jump the jumps when given a competent ride to the fences.

 I know I never posted about the last show, so I'll share a few details. He was a freak in his stall and a holy terror on the ground, pushing people around and nearly taking them out with his huge head. Most of his time in the stall was spent staring out of it with huge eyes, constantly blowing his nostrils and whinnying his heart out (more 4 year old at first show than 8 year old with quite a few under his belt). We put in a mostly obedient and accurate dressage test for a score of 35 and 8th place. I was shocked that we did so well given his refusal to walk past a horse trailer and threats to rear rather than walk on the fake grass path that we had been on many times before. I had a major emotional breakdown at that very moment and literally started wailing, allowing him to just stand there and think about his stupidity. I am only a crier when it comes to horse related things, and I was slowly but surely reaching my breaking point. I'm sure I looked absolutely crazed in that moment, though I somehow managed to gain enough courage to make it down to the rings and put in a good test, all things considered.

Next was stadium. I was so nervous that I actually felt nauseous and was apparently pale as a ghost. Warmup was good, though we had one crazy moment where a horse fly flew into my ear/helmet a couple of strides out from a fence! We entered the ring and I was a woman on a mission, 100% determined to make it around the course, come hell or high water. We had more than a few awkward moments, some cross canter, etc., but we jumped everything and went double clear. I felt pretty good that night, but even more nervous for XC as it was to be our first in competition.

Day 2, cross-country. Limerick was seemingly calm in his stall the morning of XC and even went for a nice little graze on the Rolex course, all without a fuss. We got ready and headed up to warmup, which was probably the icing on the cake of a horrible weekend. After doing some flat work, in which I felt like I was riding a ticking time bomb, we attempted our first jump, a maybe 18" cross-rail. He stopped. COME ON, REALLY?!(!*#*@()$(*#@$)@)#. I guess I should know by now to expect shit like that from him, but I wasn't, especially after our stadium warmup the day before. I'm not sure how or why, but I experienced a horrible shooting pain up my right arm, but I still circled and tried again. We made it over, albeit awkwardly and with some major head tossing/bolting on his part. He of course picked warmup to let me know loud and clear that he did NOT approve of the chain on the pelham, which we had used enough times to know that it worked well for us. After a few more terrible attempts, E decided that he needed to "blow off some steam" and sent me to work out some of his energy. After 10 straight minutes of cantering, I had a slightly more willing horse and we went back to jumping. We finally got some good attempts over the cross-rail and then moved on to an oxer, which we jumped really well. E determined that I was ready, so we headed down to the start box.

We headed out and I was nervous, but determined. Cantered to jump number one, a natural log on the ground, much smaller than anything we had jumped so far. He ran out. I turned him in the tightest circle I have ever managed and spurred/whipped him over it... we jumped sideways. Fences 2-4 he tried to run out, but I caught him fast enough that I was able to get him over, albeit sideways and awkward as shit. Mind you, we're talking Starter here. Fence 5 was the first legitimately spooky fence on course, and I was prepared. E warned me about it in advance and I had my whip at the ready, though it was no use. After the first refusal, I didn't have it in me to force him over anymore jumps, though I still tried for a second and third time, leading to our elimination. I calmly asked the jump judge if that was it and then walked off course, where I started bawling for the millionth time that weekend. All I can really remember is how kind and understanding E was, and me, saying through my tears, "I don't know if I can do this with him anymore."

We decided that Event Camp was his last chance, though I knew in my heart that it probably would not be enough to change my mind. To his credit, he was fabulous at camp and we had some real breakthroughs. However, when Leslie Law said, on multiple occasions, "He's just a BIG horse for you," I decided to listen... Leslie told me that I could keep him and train him, or I could sell him. That was when I realized that yes, I could, but I no longer wanted to. I may love Limerick to death, but that doesn't mean that I love riding him or that he is the horse for me. I want to have fun again! I want to hack around the farm on the buckle and not worry about nonexistent monsters causing him to jump 5 feet in the air and dump me in a cornfield. I know he's just a horse, but he is well aware of his job and he knows what to do when pointed at a jump... there is nothing that I can do to make him a willing or honest participant. He also knows that I am his person and that he should trust me like he does at home, but when we're at a show, it's like he has never seen me before.

That said, next week he is shipping out to be sold by the woman we bought him from. In the meantime, I am heading down to CVF to pick up Panda, my old horse, so that I can continue riding while Limerick is for sale/we're in the process of shopping. He's the super cute OTTB that Hillary used to own, so look forward to him being the temporary star of this show :)

Panda Man!